What Grieving People Wish You Knew
Nancy Guthrie wrote a wonderful book called ”What Grieving People Wish You Knew.” I wish I had this book when my mother passed away, it’s simple wisdom but so helpful. I listed from her book eleven ways you can help another person who is grieving
Let them take the lead - Let the grieving person talk more than you, perhaps they need isolation, or to be with friends. Let me dictate what they need and not you.
Don’t compare - don’t compare your or others suffering with theirs.
Don’t assume - Avoid saying “I know.” I know what your going through, I know what you mean. As Lucia Berlin says “anybody says he knows just how someone else feels is a fool.” Don’t assume they have doubts of God, don’t assume they are great with God. Just avoid assuming.
Don’t feel the need to fix - Avoid trying to fix the sadness, or the doubts.
Don’t be in a hurry - Don’t be in a hurry to heal the pain.
Don’t make it about you - Don’t tell stories about your own pain.
Listen more than you talk.
Don’t tell them what to do - Don’t tell them what they need to do. You need to eat something, you need to go to the doctor. Perhaps use the term, “I wonder if…” Perhaps this might be helpful. Don’t treat them as a child, but suggest things.
Esteem their grief - We don’t want to minimize but acknowledge the grief they are going through.
Don’t be put off by tears - Don’t give the deer in the headlights when you see tears. Don’t run from the pain of others, it takes courage to be weak with another person. It’s our own cowardice to mock or despise tears in people.
Don’t ask potentially painful questions out of curiosity - Perhaps we are curious about things behind the grief. Acknowledge we are more being nosy than being kind and gracious. We don’t need to know all the details to love and help someone.
Berlin, Lucia, A Manual for Cleaning Women, 5.
Guthrie, Nancy, What Grieving People Wish You Knew
