Caring for your teenage child who has same-sex attraction, Part 1.
Theological Convictions:
Let’s face it, caring for teens will always have its challenges. Hormones, bodily changes, finding an identity, navigating crushes, friendships. Being a teenager is difficult and learning how to care for teenagers and love them well can sometimes be just as difficult. Navigating the world and its teachings on sexuality has its challenges as well, but for the sake of your children, it is good to know what the Bible teaches on sexuality so you can better care for your children. My desire is to begin with theological convictions and then continue in other parts to discuss how to wisely love your child and give them the practical care they need.
As the parent, you will need to hold firm to the biblical teachings of Scripture in regard to sexuality and sexual flourishing when parenting your child. Doing this, will grow your child in wisdom and godliness, knowing how to live in a world that tells him/her to pursue his sexual desires. Because if you do not, your son will be influenced by his own desires and what the world is teaching him about sexuality. Ted Tripp says that parents need to “exercise authority as God’s agent. You may not direct your children for your own agenda or convenience. You must direct your children on God’s behalf for their good.” The couple will need to keep in mind the importance of humbly meeting their son where he is, loving and accepting him, while teaching him the biblical truths of God, sex, sin, temptation, desires, marriage, forgiveness, grace and hope.
The first argument as to why a couple should teach their son the biblical view of sexuality is simply because as a Christian, we should believe that the Word of God is inerrant and completely true when it comes to every area of our lives. The goal of every believing couple is to train up their children in wisdom and righteousness. 2 Timothy 3:16 says that “all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” God gave us his Word so we might understand and know how to live a life that pleases him and allows us to grow and flourish as his children. Therefore, a couple should learn how to apply these truths to the hearts of their children.
You should teach your child that he was made in the image of God. He need’s to learn how to grow his mind that he is not a separate human being but is dependent upon God and bears his image. Genesis 1:26-28 explains that God made man in his likeness, no other being was made in the image of God but man. Anthony Hoekema says that “the most distinctive feature of the biblical understanding of man is the teaching that man has been created in the image of God.” Which means that all people are responsible for their actions and how they live their lives before God. Everyone was created and meant to reflect his glory. Hoekema says that “the concept of man as the image or likeness of God tells us that man was created to mirror God and to represent God.” Every part of a human was made to represent and be used to honor God. And since humans are created by God, they were created also to be dependent upon God. All that humans receive each day, that is taken for granted, is given from the hands of a gracious God. If one has been created by God, one must also realize that he is also dependent on God for how to live his life. “Any view of the human being that fails to see him or her as centrally related to, totally dependent on, and primarily responsible to God falls short of the truth” (Hoekema). As humans, we do not understand how to live our own lives, we only understand what it looks to live a wise and godly life through what God has revealed to us in His Word. Adam and Eve had to be taught how to live and how to act, including their sexuality. We do not understand real truth apart from God.
As parents, you need to teach your child what the reality of sin and the fall has done in relation to his desires and more specifically his heart. A robust theology of how deep sin goes into every area of our life will help him to see that everyone’s actions, desires, thoughts are tainted with sin. “Sin has its source not in the body nor in any one of man’s various capacities, but in the very center of his being, in his heart. Since sin has poisoned the very fountain of life, all of life is bound to be affected by it” (Hoekema). This includes sexuality, everyone’s sexuality. Not one person’s sexuality has not been affected by the fall. People desire things they shouldn’t, and often these temptations come from inside each person. David Powlison says that “the tendency to fall for specific temptations arises from within us. It is not inserted into us by experience, as if suffering, the Devil, or God were producing our sins.” Your child needs to understand where sin comes from and how best to interact with that reality in his life. Sin is not an environmental issue, but a heart issue. An environment can teach us things, but the temptations come from within every person. Powlison continues by saying that “in most significant sin patterns, we witness a combination of specific choices and seeming ‘just-thereness.’” There is an understanding that we are responsible for our choices but often sin does not have an explanation of where it comes from. Sometimes our temptations cannot be fully understood as to why they exist, it is simply an understanding that they do exist because we are fallen.
Because the desires of SSA are so real to the person, and it is easy to affirm those desires it is important for you to have a deep theology of what godly sexuality looks like in the Bible. Your child is being influenced by his friends, school and the world as to why he should pursue his sexual desires and its your job to help open his eyes to the beauty of God’s teaching on sex, marriage and how he should use his body for God’s glory. Overall, the longing for sex and intimacy is a good thing, “the human body itself, made male and female with sexual capacity and longings, is pronounced ‘good by our Creator” (Hollinger) But because of the fall, sin has affected everyone’s desires, longings and sexuality. The world says that they know better than God when it comes to living out their sexuality, and there is a greater experience to be had than what their Creator has given them. It will be an uphill battle for you to help guide your child into a godly view of sexuality. Especially since the world has such a low view of sex and marriage. Timothy Keller says that in today’s world, “sex is primarily for an individual’s fulfillment and self-realization, however he or she wishes to pursue it.” A way to help counteract the teachings of the world is through a robust guidance in theology that includes the overall picture of the Bible when it comes to sex and marriage.
Hoekema, Anthony A. Created in God’s Image. Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1986.
Hollinger, Dennis P. The Meaning of Sex: Christian ethics and the moral life. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2009.
Keller, Timothy and Kathy. The Meaning of Marriage. New York: Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 2011.
Powlison, David. Seeing with New Eyes: Counseling and the Human Condition Through the Lens of Scripture. Phillipsburg: P&R Publishing Company, 2003.
Tripp, Ted. Shepherding a Child’s Heart. Wapwallopen: Shepherd Press, 1995.
